'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
