No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
