I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
