Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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