Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
