I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
