i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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