I want to make a zoo with you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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