So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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