my vag is so smooth its legendary
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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