Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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