He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
