I wish I could teleport
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
