if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
