I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
