Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
