i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
