I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
