i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
