I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
