I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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