Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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