after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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