He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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