Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
the liver wants what the liver wants
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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