God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
