Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
