we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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