My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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