Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
