During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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