I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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