i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
