My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
