ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
