Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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