I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
