just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
