ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
