Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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