how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She told me I should be a condom model.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
