I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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