I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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