I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to align my fucking chakras
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
