Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've blown a few things in my day
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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