Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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