dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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