Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
