My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He better not be in your backpack
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
