I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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