I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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